Alone in the Crowd

I don't mind saying that I've been depressed for most of my life. It surges and wanes, but by and large there's a low level of despondancy which stays with me. The reasons aren't long but I don't feel like getting into them right now. Instead I want to talk about the one reoccuring issue that I have (haha okay so one of the issues that I have).

This is my propensity for becoming depressed in a crowd. I don't mean I'm agoraphobic or anything, but rather, I find it difficult to be in phase with the emotional atmosphere around me. Concerts are bad for this. In fact I've left two shows early because I realised just how out of place I am. It makes me sound like a downer (which I am :P) but I'll stop watching the band for a moment and see how everyone else is having so much fun. And then I break, I start obsessing about it. I stop working right, stop faking enjoyment, and I start to pretend to be tired or ill and say I have to leave.

I realise my departure has caused some hurt feelings in the past, and some concern to be sure. I sometimes think that it stems from highschool (as all too many neurosis do). This particular issue was at a battle of the bands. There were three bands, one was a tremendous joke to everybody but themselves, one was a friend of mine who used to write some really great acoustic songs, and the last was a garage band. The garage band was probably the best performers (although i did enjoy each act for different reasons). The problem came as I watched one of the guitarists... It was someone I knew that I had had a tremendous crush on. Super cute, and always so nice to me (despite being popular and a jock). Anyway I watched him and felt guilt.

Guilt gets me everytime. This particular time I think I felt guilty because it felt inappropriate to like a guy. Now I had been out for awhile at that point, and was usually comfortable in my skin. But I knew that if he had known how I felt about him he would be at the very least, uncomfortable if not down right grossed out. I'm sure we've all done this from time to time, felt that shame when you're on shakey ground about who you are.

So guilt compounded with an innate feeling that you're different/alone/unwanted left me in some pretty awful moods in the past. Even now, in a room full of my peers (many of them queer) I feel out of place. So as I look back on it, I do my best to think that I'll get better.

Carry on