And the Oscar goes to...

Hey guys

Been busy writing for HIM lately, and even had some time to star in a HIV testing video (nbd)! It's to show guys just how easy it is to get tested for HIV. Plus my costar is fucking sexy :P

Pretty excited about this, hope you get a chance to watch it (or like, retweet it)!

Here's a Taste

*Gasp*

Remember when credible reports of a person's sexuality came from a person? Neither do I. As long as orientation is the subject of gossip blogs and sensationalized tabloids, it'll be treated as some scandalous personality flaw.

That's just a taste of the full article i wrote for my work, check it out at:

http://checkhimout.ca/blogs/social-health/give-the-gays-what-we-want

A Gay Uncle or a guncle

I'll be an uncle as of sometime early next month... I'm pretty stoked on it, but have some trepidation as well...

this is B's niece and I several years ago... i hadn't slept at all the night before as I was working with concrete (hence the heinous grunge)

I wrote an interesting piece for my other website if anyone wants to read up on it by clicking it here!

Gaily World News Briefs #3

Here's another summary of a few stories of interest to gays with some cringe worthy jokes thrown in for good measure.

Click here for the Briefs.

Additionally I've got a few things coming down the pipes, one being a good little piece on Science Justifies Stereotypes. It should be done by the end of the day. (Hopefully :P)

More awesome reads!

Good news and bad news.

The good news is that I've written a bunch of clever tongue in cheek double entendres to spice up this week's Gaily World News Briefs... The bad news is that I've also written a few not clever tongue in cheek double entendres...

Please enjoy and find out all you need to know about the Health Initiative for Men!

Plus guess the identity of the mystery hunk!

Gaily World News Briefs #1

Hey guys

Just finished my very first edition of Gaily World News Briefs for my gay-job with the Health Initiative for Men! I'm writing it to keep people abreast on a smattering of gay news so check it out and stay informed!

Cheers

Bullying and Discrimination 'Overplayed'

According to a recent article from the New York Times we're hearing a little too much about the depressing lives of gays. Dr. Lisa Diamond weighs in on the media outcry over the recent suicides of LGBT youth.

Studies do suggest that severe emotional distress is somewhat more common among gay teenagers than straight ones. But Dr. Diamond and other experts say the effects of bullying and discrimination are often overplayed in the news media.

The article goes on to talk about how media and outreach campaigns such as the “It Gets Better” may actually do more harm than good by painting a bleak picture. The topic of gay teen suicides and substance abuse is in fact is something of a catalyst for angst.

“The negative message that gay teens get — just survive your adolescence and life will get better — is a disservice,” Dr. Savin-Williams said. “The message should be that your life can be good right now.

However, it does seem to gloss over the fact that anti-gay bullying affects more than just gay people. It acknowledges that atypical behaviour is often targeted by bullies rather than just confirmed orientation. While this behaviour may not target gay individuals, it is still often at its core homo- or transphobic.

While society may be making progress in some places with anti-bullying legislation and non-discrimination acts, the real important message to take away from the article is that suicide of gay youth is not simply a matter of stressors. Despite gay youth being targeted, absence of resilience factors such as support of friends and family, or positive affirmation of their sexual identity, are the real driving force.

In leiu of support of parents and peers, gay youth must turn to whichever sources they can, such as the “It Gets Better” project or the “We Give a Damn” campaign.

It's Alive!

Alright, so I haven't written anything for this in AGES but I have been busy... All of my article writing has been reserved for my job and fortunately with the relaunch of the website, THEY'VE STARTED POSTING THEM!

I work for the Health Initiative for Men which works to strengthen the health of gay men and enrich their lives. If you want to check the new website out every now and again I'll post when I've written a new blog.

In the meantime check out the ones I've already written:

On Sexual Assault


On Smoking


On Nutrition


And my favorite one is on Depression, it's my lived experience and means a lot to me to be able to open up like this...


Take some time, read, recommend and share these articles with others... (and let's help further the gay agenda)

HIV

So two people got on my case yesterday/today about not blogging anymore and i took the hint from the universe. First off, where the fuck have I been? Working.

Anyway, back to writing fun stuff at my friends request...

I went for an HIV test yesterday. Mostly it was done on a whim, but also I hadn't been properly tested after the 3 months you have to wait for the anti-bodies to show up in your blood. So while my risk was low (as I've only had one partner in over a year) there was still a chance that during 'the break' that b and i took we still may've caught something.

ANYWAY, let me say I have rarely felt that nauseaous in my life. I can do needles fine, but giving blood (or blood in general) makes me feel sick. So when I decided, on a whim, to get tested I didn't really have anything prepared to keep myself from fainting (usually a bottle of OJ keeps me going).

The nurse administering the test was a nice guy who did a presentation for the gay men's health seminar a few months back. It was nice to see a familiar face even if he didn't remember me. We exchanged some small talk, which was slightly more involved than the stuff you reserve for a barista or something, and he began asking my details, when was the last time I was tested, why i was getting tested, things like that. As he asked me these I kept myself thinking of other things which would keep me distracted.

The nurse asked if I would like the rapid, early, or standard test for HIV. Each of them have their own charm, and I had intended on getting the standard because I wasn't terribly concerned about the result with any urgency. Either I had it and have had it for an extended period of time, or I didn't. I had prepared for this kind of waiting game.

He suggested the rapid one instead, just to get it over with.

Now I had made peace with the notion that I'd part with gallons of blood (jk) and then wouldn't have to deal with the result for 2 weeks. But the rapid test lets you know in about 60 seconds. Instead of a needle drawing blood I'd just have a pin prick my finger for a scarce few drops.

The reality set in. 60 seconds can change your life. It had happened a few times when I was younger, and I hadn't really prepared myself for the prospect of knowing something of this magnitude in such a short time.

Numbly I agreed.

The nausea wasn't so bad anymore because now I felt fear. However remote the chance, there still are some scary statistics floating around out there. Was I about to add to them? I looked at the nurse and played a few scenarios out in my mind if I had been given a grim result. I envisioned a numb response first, stoic and collected, I'd be a responsible person and take ownership of the result. Of my status. I'd listen to the nurse tell me my options, the drugs, instilling within me the hope of modern medicene.

But then I thought of the much more real response that I would probably give. The polite shock would wear off and a new chapter in depressive self-destruction would ensue. I was not prepared for this.

I was distracted and obedient as the nurse sterilized the end of my finger for the test. A prick of the finger which didn't even register in my mind even as it issued a scarce few drops of blood.

After carefully collecting these, the nurse went about the test, transferring the blood, my blood, to one vial, then from the vial to a plastic tray. He added a second vial to the tray and the solution drained away. All in 60 seconds.

Then casually, amidst the small talk which apparently I was still taking part in, he said, "You're negative."

There was no relief because I still felt the fear and uncertainty as real as any other feeling I had felt that day. I don't think it'll leave me.

...and I think that that is a very good thing

Earl Grey out.

PS If any of my 0 readers any questions, about testing, my experience, support, or anything else regarding gay men's health I'm more than willing to talk (actually its kind of my job now :P)... In fact I think that may be a fun new purpose of this blog.

Baby Gays drown in Deep Water

So sad now
No way out
The bottom of despair
Hormones raging
Going crazy
It there another boy who cares?

A baby gay (early stages of coming out or recently questioning) messaged me yesterday. I suppressed the feeling that I was a relic and powered through the subsequent conversation. He's from my old hometown and much younger than me *gasp* which doesn't really mean much anymore. Anyway, sad story I'm sure we're all familiar with by now, utterly alone, no one knows about him, I know I teared up a little (actually it was a surprise wasabe attack on the underside of a kappa maki). In any case, I did my best to console/answer his questions but he's still pretty alone I fear.

So thank dog for social networking sites making it easier and easier to track down people with similar "interests" as it were. I'd never met this, nor a couple others, before he contacted me. I felt something of a celebrity with all this notoriety.

In any case, it was still quite the process to actually have the balls to just randomly add someone ten years your senior... Twas cute though. He says he'd never written or expressed that he was gay before, and that when he did he felt a combination of anxiety, shame, and hope. I was impressed that he included hope in that list.

If I could've I would've hugged him. Instead I sent him a list of resources, and the titles of a few books/movies/albums which I think should be listed as required reading material in the homo-handbook. Maybe that's what I'll do with my time at work, I'll start binding said handbook as my legacy.

Carry on

Fuck me standing

UGH
So I'm sorry to disappoint my 6 followers, but I am in fact alive. Barely. Ish.

Mostly I was finishing up my degree. Like actually finished. The last 2 weeks though damn near killed me. I'm not sure actually when the last time I posted was, I have a feeling that it was at the beginning of april.

Anyway, the last two weeks of school I had a midterm, 2 group presentations and 2 group reports to write. The midterm I went to 'business drunk' (had about 4/5ths a bottle of wine) and didn't study, but got 91% on, that's 10% higher than the other midterm I took in the same course.

The real difficulty was from the group projects... Usually in group projects I have this awful habit of asserting myself as some sort of authority figure and end up doing the majority of the work. This time I felt that I had saved enough people from their own work habits to let them sort it out... This was a mistake and I should have realised it sooner.

I spent about 40-50 hours the last week writing reports. This would've been fine if certain members of my group didn't criticize me about it later. One person who doesn't speak english as a first language, had the extreme lack of awareness to say "I think your grammar is broken"... I couldn't believe it... Anyway, I won't bore with too many other details because I'm closing that chapter of my life and graduating!

As for other shit, last I mentioned that I wasn't doing so hot. B and I talked about it, and while I tried going back on medication, I realised that there are some underlying problems which need to be sorted. Plus I was already self-medicating with alcohol so the two weren't a very healthy combination. So I'm beginning to fix these things, in so far that they can be fixed (usually because the biggest obstacle is knowing what these things are)

Oh, and last weekend I went to Victoria with my dear friend... (we'll call her Drama-Rama). She's a good time, we have some pretty insane memories together (car crashes, near drownings, a broken nose) all within the first 6 months of knowing each other. Since then she's moved off the mainland to persue an academic career. Which is good for her, I jsut miss her terribly. Anyway, victoria was fantastic, really very peaceful, especially the ferry ride, the hour long bus rides on each end, and just sitting still for awhile. I even managed to pick up a new book (Little Brother) by Cory something or other, which was fantastic. Managed through that one in all of 2 days, it was glorious.

The Space Between

So I'll give a quick weekend update before I get into my case of the Mondays.

Friday Wanker came over for wii and drinks (we were gonna rockband, but we didn't have enough batteries apparently) So we just wii'd, smash bros mostly. Twas fun.

Sat I had the Health and Leadership conference day 3, it was another fun filled and informative day. Afterwards we did outreach and I got to go to the Pumpjack (a nice little bar which is largely avoided by young people because it is mostly preceived as a bear/leather/old people bar). I had fun there, the guys were quite friendly which is refreshing. After that the sailor sluts and I went to the O where I got my dance-on on stage... It was probably the highlight of my weekend.

Unfortunately that means it was downhill from there...Sunday was the last day of the conference and it showed. People were hungover and tired, the information didn't seem as interesting and the whole time I felt some ennui. Then B and I went to see Remember Me, with Robert Pattison. Don't see it. Really, its awful and contrived and manipulative.

Anyway, that's my weekend, as I said Sunday I started feelign a little down. At first I just thought I was cranky/affected by the alcohol and lack of sleep. But then I felt the too familiar feelings/neurosis come creeping in.

So I just started staring off into space having a whole gamut of fun thoughts. The good ones were thoughts of worthelssness/that it won't get better, the usual. The bad ones were... well they were bad.

Fortunately I'm somewhat of a pro at this, so while I don't have too much hope for the next few days, I know how to cope and escape for the time being. It's frustrating that I'm pretty much hard wired for this kind familiarity with depression, but at least I'm functional... that's a good thing right?

Oh well, in the end I'm sure it'll strengthen my resolve towards helping out all my little baby gays...

I don't drink

My body hates me less these last two days, although I think the flu is turning into more irritating than infectious. I'm coughing a lot and there is too much mucus for me to take. WebMD suggests Lupus, I concur, bring on the meds.

Anyway, St Patricks day on wednesday was met with some interesting news. I decided to lift my ban on drinking! I did it over a year ago because I didn't have money and drinking was making me feel stupid. So I stopped drinking and thought it would be better for me in the long run.

The problem with this wasn't a lack of will power, in fact for the first time not drinking was as easy as not buying drinks. I didn't even crave it. I did however start to feel like I was isolated. For whatever reason those little words "I don't drink" precluded a lot of social activities. I could go out with people, but I'd be preceived as something of a wet blanket.

My family was great for it, every function I would be inundated with people offering me drinks.

We've got beer in the fridge downstairs if you'd like...
There's wine on the counter.
I'm making crantini's would you like one?

After each of these offers I responded with some explanation, usually emphasizing that "I don't drink." I began to treat it like something of a joke on their part, like a running gag or something.

My friends never pressured me. They'd mock my cranberry juice at bars, but that's just how we treat each other. Meanwhile they would get quite politely trashed.

As a bartender I got asked what I would recommend, or what I liked to drink here. I said water or tea, jokingly. When I didn't care too much about my sales I lied and said "well I like this beer, or a cosmo! playing up on alcohol and being fabulous for the sake of my tips. When I volunteered as a bartender at charity things I had no problems sticking it out behind the bar. In fact I often had more trouble with people offering to relieve me.

Anyway, I started to treat not drinking like a disability and while I still didn't get cravings like many of my friends would, I did begin to miss it. Be it resolved that, I am now drinking again.

I had 2 kilkenny's on st pat's day, which was at a good pace so I didn't even feel at all drunk. I did however feel free.

I suppose I'm an adult, and I can make my own decisions. Outright prohibition, while a good solution to my beer/school/bank woes for a time; but I think that in certain social climes I'll be holistically happier if I indulge in a glass or two.

Just so we're clear, I do drink.

Carry on...

I take it back

I'm still sick, now i've got chills, which is exciting, because typically that means I'm going to start to get all achey and nauseous. Fortunately I have B to look out for me.

So that thing I wrote in my last post, about Vivi being super cute? Redacted. He decided to mow down on some plastic milk just tab, then throw it up on the rug and one of B's ps3 controllers... Boo... So happy monday all.

Working right now, it's probably the most tolerable part of my day. Afterwards I have class, then I get to grind down some concrete in the lab.

It'll take awhile so I hope I can get into the TA area of the lab so I can nap with relative piece. Otherwise I'm gonna be fucking miserable when I get home...

Anyway, there was a good article posted on Afterelton in June about effeminate gays and how Elvis Stojko wants you all to butch up. It's a good read and won a GLAAD award so everyone who's struggled with their own issues of being butch, and even those who don't could use a good look at this...

Anyway i'm going to go throw up...

Carry on...

You think you die and everything will be sugar and rainbows?!?

Ugh
Anita's a whore and got me sick... Ok that's not true, B got me sick (maybe) or might've been C, but the fact is I'm sick. Don't get sick that often and usually its pretty bad.

Last night was C's birthday party at the O for Pisces night, I was a little disappointed by it because I wasn't feeling so well so I was feeling more nausea than there was magic.

He himself was in fine form, sporting a ridiculous pompador, finishing off a bottle of champagne, and sporting jeans that didn't fit him. When he announced that I had hoped that the binge drinking had caught up to him, but alas he has dropped weight (at one point more than one set of hands were used to see just how much space was free... it was cheeky.

C only wishes he could look like this...

In any case, I'm at home today being semi-miserable, B is playing FF13 which is glorious, and Vivi is being tres cute.


Carry on...

Just Awful

So I got a text from a friend (Texter) last night whose life reads like a "text from last night" marathon. She said she wasn't able to deal with her friends anymore because they keep asking her to have a threesome.

Me: seriously? dtmfa
Texter: then i won't have any friends
Me: wait when you said friends i assumed you meant 1 couple
Texter: well sometimes it's a couple, but i'd be lying to you if i said that tonight was the first time/friend
Me: i'd say take it as a compliment, but maybe you should just have a shower
Texter: no, showers typically make a person MORE attractive
Me: too true... hey just so i know, is there a classy way to inquire about 3somes?
Texter: no
Me: is there a better way?
Texter: use a 40 lbr
Me: ...hey hon, not sure if you'd be into it, but wanna come over? i've got a 40 lbr
Texter: I don't want to be friends

I miss her, she's one of my old bartenders and together we were team awful. She would tell me her weekend and i'd make her feel better by reminding her that i showered in the sink at the Timmy's on the way to work.

le sigh the good old days

not sure if anyone has experienced it, but waffles has been railing on me about my age. I don't really mind as I frequently joke about how old I am (I'm only 24). In fact I usually enable this kind of talk with my mannerisms (and tea drinking) but I think it's getting tired so I'm going to resolve to be young and hip (do the cool kids still say hip? or is it the unpopular kind of ironic again?)

Unboxed

As I mentioned, I had a conference all weekend, 9-5, so it's like my weekend evaporated with fun things to do. Actually it was a good weekend, cept for B throwing up on our floor (he's getting sick and the alcohol didn't help much).

But like I said, good weekend. One of the better parts was a discussion on the stages of coming out because it created discrete stages and explained different needs each person will have during the phases. What was particularly nice was that it was a bit of a reminder about taking into account a person's lived experience and that not everyone can simply be told "How to come out" as though it were like taking a magic pill...

Other highlights were a discussion I had with one of the other guys about reltaionships, it was cute and refreshing. Mostly because I sometimes find myself so 'in a relationship' that I box the term up and don't reflect upon what it actually means to me. My partner in the exercise expressed his hopes and fears about his relationship and I felt somehow unboxed.

I think it was a level of superficiality with which I live my life. I'm quite invested in a lot of people and often get bogged down by 'what I'm supposed to say.' Like a pre-recorded message...

Friend: He broke up w/ me!
Me: Awww Shame! Don't worry, you were better than him anyway! You'll find someone...

That kind of generic glossing over makes me feel insulated from actualand full emotional responses. Hopefully I can find little ways to remind myself of this with greater regularity...

But I wish my partner success and thank him sincerely for his listening.

ALSO, FF 13 is here tomorrow! B pre-ordered, but said I wasn't allowed to watch him play because i'm a backseat gamer. It's true, I do offer my unsolicited opinion often (I do know what i'm talking about usually though, especially when it comes to rpgs) Let's see how long our relationship lasts now :P

Carry on...

O-Face

So b, my brother and I went to the O tonight. Twas nice, we danced despite my extreme sobriety, and b's extreme un-sobriety. in fact after half a bottle of wine and 3 doubles, he was more than a little drunk (it made for some confused dancing)

Oh, but I had fun. Apparently all the gays turned out tonight, a bunch of guys from the health conference i'm at (which i'll have to talk about tomorrow or something), C showed up eventually with a friend (a real charmer), a couple of daniels...

Anyway had a time, the conference is for gay men's health and leadership. It's really a great idea (and there's free lunch and tea), we learned aboot the history of gay liberation in vancouver and some statistics on HIV/AIDS (get tested everyone, at least once a year...). Then there was a safe sex talk from a nurse (all about everyone's fav sti's) remember don't have sex, because you will get clamydia and die. Finally a fellatio seminar where the intro was one guy going down on the other... well no, but almost, but they stopped at the underwear (which was still a nice show btw)

then everyone pass the banana (remember boys no teeth!)

Anyway, i'm just waiting up for my brother to show up, i'm tired tho so i'll write more eventually

Carry on

Future Dreams of London and Fame

Had a dream I had to catch a flight to london, Patrick Stewart was there as sort of a Q figure (as in the omnipotent being from Star Trek), he was just observing my panic and talking me through it rather than use his powers. Periodically people would be seen cutting the tails off of rats and this didn't particularly disturb me until I found out I was in something of a video game where people were supposed to murder other people. It got rather gory afterwards... Not a bad dream, just odd and it left me feeling refreshingly awake afterwards. I hope its not some kind of Dexter thing where *spoiler alert(not that this AWFUL book should be read by anyone)* my long lost brother is really the killer and I have to use a psychic connection to find him... maybe i'm just a sociopath.

I'd like to go to london tho, B may be going there for work in the summer and I'd probably try and go before or after w/ him so we could see the sights, go to paris (even though i've had my fill of the French)...

Anyway, douche and wanker came over, catan and top gear ensued. With B's present we now had the two expansions so we ended up playing to 15 (which makes for a long game) i didn't win either game i don't think, which is odd because usually i'm spot on. (if we were only playing to 13 i would've won, but since they had the odds on their side i was effed)

Wanker has a new lady friend, an older lady, i hope to meet her and that she's less crazy than most of the girls I've met lately. I hadn't heard this development and felt like a bad friend, but then he forgot my birthday (thinking it was in March) so two bad friends make for a good friendship.

I have a midterm tonight but can't study until I get off work (lately my boss has been slightly more insistant that I do my work :P).

I've started flexing my creative muscles again, this time using a recently acquired version of adobe Illustrator. I was a design editor for my hs yearbook and while that gave me super powers, i didn't get to do very much designing/illustrating and haven't done too much since. I enjoy it tho. One day I figure i'll actually be able to illustrate one of the stories that i've written and turn it into a graphic novel with which i will make my millions... or thousands... or just break even but be a published author illustrator... self-published author/illustrator... probably self-published online... and only an author... someone may even read it one day... :P

Well I've done it! I've set my sights so low that I can't possibly fail!

Carry on

Naked Tea for Two

I feel naked. How's that for attention grabbing? I'll explain in a moment.

Ugh another clusterfrack this weekend... why didn't I do any studying/writing in the last two weeks? Midterm tomorrow in concrete, should be okay, I know my shit (5 courses into concrete and I should hope so anyway). Thurs I have my first draft of my group project, I haven't even gotten my group's emails yet so a first draft? Good luck with that... Friday I can almost breathe because I only have two homework assignments. I suppose I should start, but I made the executive decision to scrap the March Bqqr garden. Mostly because of this week being so busy and some other politics which have been grinding my gears.

Anyway I got to work this morning and was going to msg B with the usual nauseating text when I found that my phone wasn't in my pocket. Anyway, phone is missing so I had to scramble and find a way to contact the three people I was supposed to meet today. Unfortunately my mind is as good as Nabokov against team Canada sometimes so I don't know most people's numbers. I know my old home phone number, those of my three best friends, some select relatives, but that is it. Seriously, my phone disappears and I am Jack on the island with the heavy breathing looking for Kate (read: useless and SOL). Anyway, how sad is it that I don't even know b's phone number? I think it has a 3, 7, 4, 9 in it, and the area code... so odds are that I won't remember it. Bad boyfriend? Hardly, I blame society :P. So yes I feel vulnerable and useless, but c'est la vie, kinda wish I had stayed in bed this morning, then I could be nekkid, or I could throw on some house pants and play with my kitty. Instead I'm wearing far too many clothes for a person who showered in his bathroom sink, and my kitty is playing with my phone (that poor phone) I'll have to post a pic of him (Vivi and not my phone) soon, but I'm at work.

I stole this pic from a blog I started reading, Craig from One in Eleven, he's british but I won't hold that against him, provided he has me over for tea sometime (his comments aren't working for some reason though maybe I should call him... oh no wait...).

OH another fun occurence yesterday. Ran out to UBC (read: took the bus) to drop off some documents and ran into Wanker's little sister. After a brief exchange expressing our distaste for the music selection at the closing ceremonies I bid her adeiu and walked into someone else smiling at me waiting for an audience. Another nice girl, we talked for about 15 minutes about this and that, how I was, how she was, what she was up to lately. Except I had NO IDEA WHO THIS PERSON WAS!

At first I thought it was someone I worked with at the restaurant (but she didn't complain about the restaurant so it couldn't be), then I thought it was Wanker's new gf (but I called him and he said he was with her, he laughed at me), and so perhaps it's someone i've met over my tenure at UBC, but there aren't very many girls in engineering and I'd remember this one. I'm tempted to conclude that she doesn't know me and that she thought I was someone else, I'm okay with this.

Oh shite, speaking of Wanker, he wrote his LSAT and got some ridiculously good score (top 5 percentile or something). So he is well on his way to being Marshall from How I Met Your Mother. He's pressuring me to apply for grad school for architecture (so I can be his Ted, who is my LEAST favourite character on that show btw), but like I said I'm taking at least one year off to pay down my debt and regain my sanity. After that architecture may be fun, but I think I'll probably be professionally gay (activist/counsellor/poor) and take an interdisciplinary degree in poli sci, history, law, women's studies, critical studies in sexuality, psychology, and sociology. A real melting pot of useless/interesting :P.

Carry on...