So I'll give a quick weekend update before I get into my case of the Mondays.
Friday Wanker came over for wii and drinks (we were gonna rockband, but we didn't have enough batteries apparently) So we just wii'd, smash bros mostly. Twas fun.
Sat I had the Health and Leadership conference day 3, it was another fun filled and informative day. Afterwards we did outreach and I got to go to the Pumpjack (a nice little bar which is largely avoided by young people because it is mostly preceived as a bear/leather/old people bar). I had fun there, the guys were quite friendly which is refreshing. After that the sailor sluts and I went to the O where I got my dance-on on stage... It was probably the highlight of my weekend.
Unfortunately that means it was downhill from there...Sunday was the last day of the conference and it showed. People were hungover and tired, the information didn't seem as interesting and the whole time I felt some ennui. Then B and I went to see Remember Me, with Robert Pattison. Don't see it. Really, its awful and contrived and manipulative.
Anyway, that's my weekend, as I said Sunday I started feelign a little down. At first I just thought I was cranky/affected by the alcohol and lack of sleep. But then I felt the too familiar feelings/neurosis come creeping in.
So I just started staring off into space having a whole gamut of fun thoughts. The good ones were thoughts of worthelssness/that it won't get better, the usual. The bad ones were... well they were bad.
Fortunately I'm somewhat of a pro at this, so while I don't have too much hope for the next few days, I know how to cope and escape for the time being. It's frustrating that I'm pretty much hard wired for this kind familiarity with depression, but at least I'm functional... that's a good thing right?
Oh well, in the end I'm sure it'll strengthen my resolve towards helping out all my little baby gays...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I don't drink
My body hates me less these last two days, although I think the flu is turning into more irritating than infectious. I'm coughing a lot and there is too much mucus for me to take. WebMD suggests Lupus, I concur, bring on the meds.
Anyway, St Patricks day on wednesday was met with some interesting news. I decided to lift my ban on drinking! I did it over a year ago because I didn't have money and drinking was making me feel stupid. So I stopped drinking and thought it would be better for me in the long run.
The problem with this wasn't a lack of will power, in fact for the first time not drinking was as easy as not buying drinks. I didn't even crave it. I did however start to feel like I was isolated. For whatever reason those little words "I don't drink" precluded a lot of social activities. I could go out with people, but I'd be preceived as something of a wet blanket.
My family was great for it, every function I would be inundated with people offering me drinks.
After each of these offers I responded with some explanation, usually emphasizing that "I don't drink." I began to treat it like something of a joke on their part, like a running gag or something.
My friends never pressured me. They'd mock my cranberry juice at bars, but that's just how we treat each other. Meanwhile they would get quite politely trashed.
As a bartender I got asked what I would recommend, or what I liked to drink here. I said water or tea, jokingly. When I didn't care too much about my sales I lied and said "well I like this beer, or a cosmo! playing up on alcohol and being fabulous for the sake of my tips. When I volunteered as a bartender at charity things I had no problems sticking it out behind the bar. In fact I often had more trouble with people offering to relieve me.
Anyway, I started to treat not drinking like a disability and while I still didn't get cravings like many of my friends would, I did begin to miss it. Be it resolved that, I am now drinking again.
I had 2 kilkenny's on st pat's day, which was at a good pace so I didn't even feel at all drunk. I did however feel free.
I suppose I'm an adult, and I can make my own decisions. Outright prohibition, while a good solution to my beer/school/bank woes for a time; but I think that in certain social climes I'll be holistically happier if I indulge in a glass or two.
Just so we're clear, I do drink.
Carry on...
Anyway, St Patricks day on wednesday was met with some interesting news. I decided to lift my ban on drinking! I did it over a year ago because I didn't have money and drinking was making me feel stupid. So I stopped drinking and thought it would be better for me in the long run.
The problem with this wasn't a lack of will power, in fact for the first time not drinking was as easy as not buying drinks. I didn't even crave it. I did however start to feel like I was isolated. For whatever reason those little words "I don't drink" precluded a lot of social activities. I could go out with people, but I'd be preceived as something of a wet blanket.
My family was great for it, every function I would be inundated with people offering me drinks.
We've got beer in the fridge downstairs if you'd like...
There's wine on the counter.
I'm making crantini's would you like one?
After each of these offers I responded with some explanation, usually emphasizing that "I don't drink." I began to treat it like something of a joke on their part, like a running gag or something.
My friends never pressured me. They'd mock my cranberry juice at bars, but that's just how we treat each other. Meanwhile they would get quite politely trashed.
As a bartender I got asked what I would recommend, or what I liked to drink here. I said water or tea, jokingly. When I didn't care too much about my sales I lied and said "well I like this beer, or a cosmo! playing up on alcohol and being fabulous for the sake of my tips. When I volunteered as a bartender at charity things I had no problems sticking it out behind the bar. In fact I often had more trouble with people offering to relieve me.
Anyway, I started to treat not drinking like a disability and while I still didn't get cravings like many of my friends would, I did begin to miss it. Be it resolved that, I am now drinking again.
I had 2 kilkenny's on st pat's day, which was at a good pace so I didn't even feel at all drunk. I did however feel free.
I suppose I'm an adult, and I can make my own decisions. Outright prohibition, while a good solution to my beer/school/bank woes for a time; but I think that in certain social climes I'll be holistically happier if I indulge in a glass or two.
Just so we're clear, I do drink.
Carry on...
Monday, March 15, 2010
I take it back
I'm still sick, now i've got chills, which is exciting, because typically that means I'm going to start to get all achey and nauseous. Fortunately I have B to look out for me.
So that thing I wrote in my last post, about Vivi being super cute? Redacted. He decided to mow down on some plastic milk just tab, then throw it up on the rug and one of B's ps3 controllers... Boo... So happy monday all.
Working right now, it's probably the most tolerable part of my day. Afterwards I have class, then I get to grind down some concrete in the lab.
It'll take awhile so I hope I can get into the TA area of the lab so I can nap with relative piece. Otherwise I'm gonna be fucking miserable when I get home...
Anyway, there was a good article posted on Afterelton in June about effeminate gays and how Elvis Stojko wants you all to butch up. It's a good read and won a GLAAD award so everyone who's struggled with their own issues of being butch, and even those who don't could use a good look at this...
Anyway i'm going to go throw up...
Carry on...
So that thing I wrote in my last post, about Vivi being super cute? Redacted. He decided to mow down on some plastic milk just tab, then throw it up on the rug and one of B's ps3 controllers... Boo... So happy monday all.
Working right now, it's probably the most tolerable part of my day. Afterwards I have class, then I get to grind down some concrete in the lab.
It'll take awhile so I hope I can get into the TA area of the lab so I can nap with relative piece. Otherwise I'm gonna be fucking miserable when I get home...
Anyway, there was a good article posted on Afterelton in June about effeminate gays and how Elvis Stojko wants you all to butch up. It's a good read and won a GLAAD award so everyone who's struggled with their own issues of being butch, and even those who don't could use a good look at this...
Anyway i'm going to go throw up...
Carry on...
Sunday, March 14, 2010
You think you die and everything will be sugar and rainbows?!?
Ugh
Anita's a whore and got me sick... Ok that's not true, B got me sick (maybe) or might've been C, but the fact is I'm sick. Don't get sick that often and usually its pretty bad.
Last night was C's birthday party at the O for Pisces night, I was a little disappointed by it because I wasn't feeling so well so I was feeling more nausea than there was magic.
He himself was in fine form, sporting a ridiculous pompador, finishing off a bottle of champagne, and sporting jeans that didn't fit him. When he announced that I had hoped that the binge drinking had caught up to him, but alas he has dropped weight (at one point more than one set of hands were used to see just how much space was free... it was cheeky.
C only wishes he could look like this...
In any case, I'm at home today being semi-miserable, B is playing FF13 which is glorious, and Vivi is being tres cute.
Carry on...
Anita's a whore and got me sick... Ok that's not true, B got me sick (maybe) or might've been C, but the fact is I'm sick. Don't get sick that often and usually its pretty bad.
Last night was C's birthday party at the O for Pisces night, I was a little disappointed by it because I wasn't feeling so well so I was feeling more nausea than there was magic.
He himself was in fine form, sporting a ridiculous pompador, finishing off a bottle of champagne, and sporting jeans that didn't fit him. When he announced that I had hoped that the binge drinking had caught up to him, but alas he has dropped weight (at one point more than one set of hands were used to see just how much space was free... it was cheeky.
C only wishes he could look like this...
In any case, I'm at home today being semi-miserable, B is playing FF13 which is glorious, and Vivi is being tres cute.
Carry on...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Just Awful
So I got a text from a friend (Texter) last night whose life reads like a "text from last night" marathon. She said she wasn't able to deal with her friends anymore because they keep asking her to have a threesome.
I miss her, she's one of my old bartenders and together we were team awful. She would tell me her weekend and i'd make her feel better by reminding her that i showered in the sink at the Timmy's on the way to work.
le sigh the good old days
not sure if anyone has experienced it, but waffles has been railing on me about my age. I don't really mind as I frequently joke about how old I am (I'm only 24). In fact I usually enable this kind of talk with my mannerisms (and tea drinking) but I think it's getting tired so I'm going to resolve to be young and hip (do the cool kids still say hip? or is it the unpopular kind of ironic again?)
Me: seriously? dtmfa
Texter: then i won't have any friends
Me: wait when you said friends i assumed you meant 1 couple
Texter: well sometimes it's a couple, but i'd be lying to you if i said that tonight was the first time/friend
Me: i'd say take it as a compliment, but maybe you should just have a shower
Texter: no, showers typically make a person MORE attractive
Me: too true... hey just so i know, is there a classy way to inquire about 3somes?
Texter: no
Me: is there a better way?
Texter: use a 40 lbr
Me: ...hey hon, not sure if you'd be into it, but wanna come over? i've got a 40 lbr
Texter: I don't want to be friends
I miss her, she's one of my old bartenders and together we were team awful. She would tell me her weekend and i'd make her feel better by reminding her that i showered in the sink at the Timmy's on the way to work.
le sigh the good old days
not sure if anyone has experienced it, but waffles has been railing on me about my age. I don't really mind as I frequently joke about how old I am (I'm only 24). In fact I usually enable this kind of talk with my mannerisms (and tea drinking) but I think it's getting tired so I'm going to resolve to be young and hip (do the cool kids still say hip? or is it the unpopular kind of ironic again?)
Monday, March 8, 2010
Unboxed
As I mentioned, I had a conference all weekend, 9-5, so it's like my weekend evaporated with fun things to do. Actually it was a good weekend, cept for B throwing up on our floor (he's getting sick and the alcohol didn't help much).
But like I said, good weekend. One of the better parts was a discussion on the stages of coming out because it created discrete stages and explained different needs each person will have during the phases. What was particularly nice was that it was a bit of a reminder about taking into account a person's lived experience and that not everyone can simply be told "How to come out" as though it were like taking a magic pill...
Other highlights were a discussion I had with one of the other guys about reltaionships, it was cute and refreshing. Mostly because I sometimes find myself so 'in a relationship' that I box the term up and don't reflect upon what it actually means to me. My partner in the exercise expressed his hopes and fears about his relationship and I felt somehow unboxed.
I think it was a level of superficiality with which I live my life. I'm quite invested in a lot of people and often get bogged down by 'what I'm supposed to say.' Like a pre-recorded message...
Friend: He broke up w/ me!
Me: Awww Shame! Don't worry, you were better than him anyway! You'll find someone...
That kind of generic glossing over makes me feel insulated from actualand full emotional responses. Hopefully I can find little ways to remind myself of this with greater regularity...
But I wish my partner success and thank him sincerely for his listening.
ALSO, FF 13 is here tomorrow! B pre-ordered, but said I wasn't allowed to watch him play because i'm a backseat gamer. It's true, I do offer my unsolicited opinion often (I do know what i'm talking about usually though, especially when it comes to rpgs) Let's see how long our relationship lasts now :P
Carry on...
But like I said, good weekend. One of the better parts was a discussion on the stages of coming out because it created discrete stages and explained different needs each person will have during the phases. What was particularly nice was that it was a bit of a reminder about taking into account a person's lived experience and that not everyone can simply be told "How to come out" as though it were like taking a magic pill...
Other highlights were a discussion I had with one of the other guys about reltaionships, it was cute and refreshing. Mostly because I sometimes find myself so 'in a relationship' that I box the term up and don't reflect upon what it actually means to me. My partner in the exercise expressed his hopes and fears about his relationship and I felt somehow unboxed.
I think it was a level of superficiality with which I live my life. I'm quite invested in a lot of people and often get bogged down by 'what I'm supposed to say.' Like a pre-recorded message...
Friend: He broke up w/ me!
Me: Awww Shame! Don't worry, you were better than him anyway! You'll find someone...
That kind of generic glossing over makes me feel insulated from actualand full emotional responses. Hopefully I can find little ways to remind myself of this with greater regularity...
But I wish my partner success and thank him sincerely for his listening.
ALSO, FF 13 is here tomorrow! B pre-ordered, but said I wasn't allowed to watch him play because i'm a backseat gamer. It's true, I do offer my unsolicited opinion often (I do know what i'm talking about usually though, especially when it comes to rpgs) Let's see how long our relationship lasts now :P
Carry on...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
O-Face
So b, my brother and I went to the O tonight. Twas nice, we danced despite my extreme sobriety, and b's extreme un-sobriety. in fact after half a bottle of wine and 3 doubles, he was more than a little drunk (it made for some confused dancing)
Oh, but I had fun. Apparently all the gays turned out tonight, a bunch of guys from the health conference i'm at (which i'll have to talk about tomorrow or something), C showed up eventually with a friend (a real charmer), a couple of daniels...
Anyway had a time, the conference is for gay men's health and leadership. It's really a great idea (and there's free lunch and tea), we learned aboot the history of gay liberation in vancouver and some statistics on HIV/AIDS (get tested everyone, at least once a year...). Then there was a safe sex talk from a nurse (all about everyone's fav sti's) remember don't have sex, because you will get clamydia and die. Finally a fellatio seminar where the intro was one guy going down on the other... well no, but almost, but they stopped at the underwear (which was still a nice show btw)
then everyone pass the banana (remember boys no teeth!)
Anyway, i'm just waiting up for my brother to show up, i'm tired tho so i'll write more eventually
Carry on
Oh, but I had fun. Apparently all the gays turned out tonight, a bunch of guys from the health conference i'm at (which i'll have to talk about tomorrow or something), C showed up eventually with a friend (a real charmer), a couple of daniels...
Anyway had a time, the conference is for gay men's health and leadership. It's really a great idea (and there's free lunch and tea), we learned aboot the history of gay liberation in vancouver and some statistics on HIV/AIDS (get tested everyone, at least once a year...). Then there was a safe sex talk from a nurse (all about everyone's fav sti's) remember don't have sex, because you will get clamydia and die. Finally a fellatio seminar where the intro was one guy going down on the other... well no, but almost, but they stopped at the underwear (which was still a nice show btw)
then everyone pass the banana (remember boys no teeth!)
Anyway, i'm just waiting up for my brother to show up, i'm tired tho so i'll write more eventually
Carry on
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