Future Dreams of London and Fame

Had a dream I had to catch a flight to london, Patrick Stewart was there as sort of a Q figure (as in the omnipotent being from Star Trek), he was just observing my panic and talking me through it rather than use his powers. Periodically people would be seen cutting the tails off of rats and this didn't particularly disturb me until I found out I was in something of a video game where people were supposed to murder other people. It got rather gory afterwards... Not a bad dream, just odd and it left me feeling refreshingly awake afterwards. I hope its not some kind of Dexter thing where *spoiler alert(not that this AWFUL book should be read by anyone)* my long lost brother is really the killer and I have to use a psychic connection to find him... maybe i'm just a sociopath.

I'd like to go to london tho, B may be going there for work in the summer and I'd probably try and go before or after w/ him so we could see the sights, go to paris (even though i've had my fill of the French)...

Anyway, douche and wanker came over, catan and top gear ensued. With B's present we now had the two expansions so we ended up playing to 15 (which makes for a long game) i didn't win either game i don't think, which is odd because usually i'm spot on. (if we were only playing to 13 i would've won, but since they had the odds on their side i was effed)

Wanker has a new lady friend, an older lady, i hope to meet her and that she's less crazy than most of the girls I've met lately. I hadn't heard this development and felt like a bad friend, but then he forgot my birthday (thinking it was in March) so two bad friends make for a good friendship.

I have a midterm tonight but can't study until I get off work (lately my boss has been slightly more insistant that I do my work :P).

I've started flexing my creative muscles again, this time using a recently acquired version of adobe Illustrator. I was a design editor for my hs yearbook and while that gave me super powers, i didn't get to do very much designing/illustrating and haven't done too much since. I enjoy it tho. One day I figure i'll actually be able to illustrate one of the stories that i've written and turn it into a graphic novel with which i will make my millions... or thousands... or just break even but be a published author illustrator... self-published author/illustrator... probably self-published online... and only an author... someone may even read it one day... :P

Well I've done it! I've set my sights so low that I can't possibly fail!

Carry on

Chronicles of My Gay Superheroes

I've done a lot, God knows I've tried
To find the truth, I've even lied
But all I know is down inside I'm bleeding.

And Super Heroes come to feast
To taste the flesh not yet deceased
And all I know is still the beast is feeding.

And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race
Lost in time, lost in space
And meaning.

Some rocky horror to kick off tonights post. It's not my favourite song from RH but I'm feeling it right now, not sure why...

Anyway, the post is actually about superheroes, comics, and all things spandex... Tuesday while I was breaking concrete with my group (btw we made black concrete... its pretty epic to see, it looks like obsidian in some places, which incidentally isn't a good thing because it means we screwed our consistancy up) and one of my groupmates said we were making superhero concrete, but no capes or spandex, that's gay... I'm sorry, say again? I corrected him.

Anyway, superheroes, we all played them, whether you were one of the xmen, wished you could turn invisible or simply pinned a towel to your shoulders and pretended to fly, we've all done it. And why not?

The masks, the capes, the power, all fun. I used to play as cyclops, usually because his power just made the most sense. I could blast people from across the room before they got anywhere close to me and that had some wonderful advantages to say, Wolverine's power (look i can cut things, heal, and smell things from far away).

But like many 'mos I really fell for the combination of hot guys and the anonymity and mystique of having a two personas. I suppose it resonated with something even I didn't really know about yet and wouldn't realise until sometime during the second X-Men movie (when Shawn Ashmore came out as a mutant). I laughed at my foolishness, and then I cried a little. Only a little because it had only been a few months since I'd come out to my parents (as a mutant I mean). My friends asked me what was up, and I was like "I HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH MY PARENTS!"

I think they got it, but they didn't really say much after that because the gay conversations had exhausted themselves by that point. Regardless I laughed and enjoyed it. I thought of myself as a kind of gay superhero after that, but it wasn't until several years later that I actually started reading comics again.

I blame my little brother for it actually, he said Collosus was gay (Ultimate X-Men universe). I read the comic and omfg a real gay superhero... and not only was he a 'mo, but it was realistic. He got all excited because he got asked out by Northstar, and while it was fun to read, the Collosus and Northstar got very little attention. So le shame...

So yes, I missed out on the revelation that Northstar was gay long before Ultimate Colossus ever came out. So by no means is my knowledge of historical gay comic book heroes exhaustive. (I blame my lack of internet and subculture) after some dykes from Buffy and Runaways showed up, I fell for the Young Avengers. Well I fell for Wiccan (nee Asguardian, hehe Ass-Guardian) and Hulkling, such a cute couple, and pretty up front about it from the begining.

Anyway, i feel robbed. These characters should have been there for me. They should have been my own personal saviours in lieu of positive rolemodels/historical figures. I was told that Shakespeare was gay. Great. da Vinci also a reported 'mo. Fantastic. Does that help me?

Not really no. At the time when I needed some affirmation that gay was okay, I didn't have anything. Okay I had Queer as Folk monday nights at 10 (once my family finally got more than 5 channels on our tv anyway) but I had to hide what I was watching. And everytime I heard a "that's so gay" it only got worse. I was alone. I didn't get better until I got much worse, but that's for another time. I suppose my point really came to me when I watched Milk for the first time.

I pride myself on being in the know with gay things. Even enough to talk about it usually and that gives me a handle on what I should know/learn more about. But when I saw Milk... I got angry.

True I cried through many parts of the movie, but in the end I was left sitting and thinking... I had no idea who Harvey Milk was. I had no idea we had a him as one of our heroes. And while it is permissible that I won't learn about every american politician, this was a turning point for Queer History. He was a hero, but he was a hero that I was deprived of. And so now, I continue to sit and think and I still wonder about all the other heroes that I'm missing, about the strength that I needed but was denied, and about those that never are given the chance to love themselves because certain "things" or people are just omitted from history.

I'm angry, I hope other people still are too...