HIV

So two people got on my case yesterday/today about not blogging anymore and i took the hint from the universe. First off, where the fuck have I been? Working.

Anyway, back to writing fun stuff at my friends request...

I went for an HIV test yesterday. Mostly it was done on a whim, but also I hadn't been properly tested after the 3 months you have to wait for the anti-bodies to show up in your blood. So while my risk was low (as I've only had one partner in over a year) there was still a chance that during 'the break' that b and i took we still may've caught something.

ANYWAY, let me say I have rarely felt that nauseaous in my life. I can do needles fine, but giving blood (or blood in general) makes me feel sick. So when I decided, on a whim, to get tested I didn't really have anything prepared to keep myself from fainting (usually a bottle of OJ keeps me going).

The nurse administering the test was a nice guy who did a presentation for the gay men's health seminar a few months back. It was nice to see a familiar face even if he didn't remember me. We exchanged some small talk, which was slightly more involved than the stuff you reserve for a barista or something, and he began asking my details, when was the last time I was tested, why i was getting tested, things like that. As he asked me these I kept myself thinking of other things which would keep me distracted.

The nurse asked if I would like the rapid, early, or standard test for HIV. Each of them have their own charm, and I had intended on getting the standard because I wasn't terribly concerned about the result with any urgency. Either I had it and have had it for an extended period of time, or I didn't. I had prepared for this kind of waiting game.

He suggested the rapid one instead, just to get it over with.

Now I had made peace with the notion that I'd part with gallons of blood (jk) and then wouldn't have to deal with the result for 2 weeks. But the rapid test lets you know in about 60 seconds. Instead of a needle drawing blood I'd just have a pin prick my finger for a scarce few drops.

The reality set in. 60 seconds can change your life. It had happened a few times when I was younger, and I hadn't really prepared myself for the prospect of knowing something of this magnitude in such a short time.

Numbly I agreed.

The nausea wasn't so bad anymore because now I felt fear. However remote the chance, there still are some scary statistics floating around out there. Was I about to add to them? I looked at the nurse and played a few scenarios out in my mind if I had been given a grim result. I envisioned a numb response first, stoic and collected, I'd be a responsible person and take ownership of the result. Of my status. I'd listen to the nurse tell me my options, the drugs, instilling within me the hope of modern medicene.

But then I thought of the much more real response that I would probably give. The polite shock would wear off and a new chapter in depressive self-destruction would ensue. I was not prepared for this.

I was distracted and obedient as the nurse sterilized the end of my finger for the test. A prick of the finger which didn't even register in my mind even as it issued a scarce few drops of blood.

After carefully collecting these, the nurse went about the test, transferring the blood, my blood, to one vial, then from the vial to a plastic tray. He added a second vial to the tray and the solution drained away. All in 60 seconds.

Then casually, amidst the small talk which apparently I was still taking part in, he said, "You're negative."

There was no relief because I still felt the fear and uncertainty as real as any other feeling I had felt that day. I don't think it'll leave me.

...and I think that that is a very good thing

Earl Grey out.

PS If any of my 0 readers any questions, about testing, my experience, support, or anything else regarding gay men's health I'm more than willing to talk (actually its kind of my job now :P)... In fact I think that may be a fun new purpose of this blog.

I take it back

I'm still sick, now i've got chills, which is exciting, because typically that means I'm going to start to get all achey and nauseous. Fortunately I have B to look out for me.

So that thing I wrote in my last post, about Vivi being super cute? Redacted. He decided to mow down on some plastic milk just tab, then throw it up on the rug and one of B's ps3 controllers... Boo... So happy monday all.

Working right now, it's probably the most tolerable part of my day. Afterwards I have class, then I get to grind down some concrete in the lab.

It'll take awhile so I hope I can get into the TA area of the lab so I can nap with relative piece. Otherwise I'm gonna be fucking miserable when I get home...

Anyway, there was a good article posted on Afterelton in June about effeminate gays and how Elvis Stojko wants you all to butch up. It's a good read and won a GLAAD award so everyone who's struggled with their own issues of being butch, and even those who don't could use a good look at this...

Anyway i'm going to go throw up...

Carry on...

You think you die and everything will be sugar and rainbows?!?

Ugh
Anita's a whore and got me sick... Ok that's not true, B got me sick (maybe) or might've been C, but the fact is I'm sick. Don't get sick that often and usually its pretty bad.

Last night was C's birthday party at the O for Pisces night, I was a little disappointed by it because I wasn't feeling so well so I was feeling more nausea than there was magic.

He himself was in fine form, sporting a ridiculous pompador, finishing off a bottle of champagne, and sporting jeans that didn't fit him. When he announced that I had hoped that the binge drinking had caught up to him, but alas he has dropped weight (at one point more than one set of hands were used to see just how much space was free... it was cheeky.

C only wishes he could look like this...

In any case, I'm at home today being semi-miserable, B is playing FF13 which is glorious, and Vivi is being tres cute.


Carry on...

Just Awful

So I got a text from a friend (Texter) last night whose life reads like a "text from last night" marathon. She said she wasn't able to deal with her friends anymore because they keep asking her to have a threesome.

Me: seriously? dtmfa
Texter: then i won't have any friends
Me: wait when you said friends i assumed you meant 1 couple
Texter: well sometimes it's a couple, but i'd be lying to you if i said that tonight was the first time/friend
Me: i'd say take it as a compliment, but maybe you should just have a shower
Texter: no, showers typically make a person MORE attractive
Me: too true... hey just so i know, is there a classy way to inquire about 3somes?
Texter: no
Me: is there a better way?
Texter: use a 40 lbr
Me: ...hey hon, not sure if you'd be into it, but wanna come over? i've got a 40 lbr
Texter: I don't want to be friends

I miss her, she's one of my old bartenders and together we were team awful. She would tell me her weekend and i'd make her feel better by reminding her that i showered in the sink at the Timmy's on the way to work.

le sigh the good old days

not sure if anyone has experienced it, but waffles has been railing on me about my age. I don't really mind as I frequently joke about how old I am (I'm only 24). In fact I usually enable this kind of talk with my mannerisms (and tea drinking) but I think it's getting tired so I'm going to resolve to be young and hip (do the cool kids still say hip? or is it the unpopular kind of ironic again?)

Gross part 2

So I got me some more anti-biotics because the doctor concurs that "No my face/jaw shouldn't be swollen like that."

I blame B, he hits me, jk but he did pinch my cheeks yesterday which didn't make me feel super at all.

Lost episode 3 last night, with Ashmo and Tashmo, it was all about "John Locke" (with some Sawyer for good measure) and revealed some new things which sent the girls buzzing. Mostly it was the candidacy thing, they're speculating all kinds of crazy things, but since I haven't really been as fanatical I think I'm going to let the pieces fall where they may and try and act surprised rather than bridging the collossal gaps and giving myself a headache (a la Battlestar)...

Fun girls those two and I miss being their neighbour. The people that moved into the suite after I moved out are less fun, but Ashmo and Tashmo have decided that:

There are 3 of them
They are girls
They are caucasion
One of their names is Claire
Not all of their names are Claire


To substance, (and not the kind to abuse)

I was chatting with the PR guy and the Exec. Assisstant at work and about all things Olympics (the company we work for gets him into their special seating areas so he got to see the Norway Canada Game yesterday) and after we talked hockey (not something either of us have much authority on) we covered Maelle Ricker, then figure skating...

Why do I bait him like this?

PR: What happened to Patrick Chan?
Me: He stumbled
EA: Yeah it was really too bad... but it was such a change going from... *she kept talking for awhile about something (read:nothing)* then there was this guy wearing a corset or something...
Me: Johnny Weir
PR: More like Johnny Wierd!

Zing! Recall this is the one who is vaguely homophobic when the event calls for it (and usually even if it doesn't call for it). I didn't see Weir's performance but commented that he was usually pretty good then changed the subject to random things which would piss the PR guy off. Not difficult to do because he spent the morning with some Mayor from some backwater city on the Canada Line in Olympic sized crowds...

Grossssss

I'm a squeamish person, I took the gauze out of my mouth so i could get some juice and i damn near passed out from the icky...

I'm going to go lay down and sleep for a bit longer, hopefully kitty is cuddly and not bitey...

More to follow...