...and I feel fine...

...That's great it starts with an earthquake...

I just can't seem to sleep, i've read for an hour, watched an ungodly amount of television, cooked some soft pasta (which i basically had to eat one at a time), snuggled with the kitty (who is trying to type with me), and now i've just taken some more pills which claim to make me drowsy...

I call bs

Oh well, the pic at the top of this instalment is just something for people to look at...

Played Catan with douche and wanker (former roomates) last night and had a terrific time. I won the first two games and wanker won the last. It was good to have them around because I only ever see them once a month or so.

It's too bad too because we used to be so close! Wanker and I have known each other for about 20 years now and have been more or less best friends throughout that time (by my self-important estimation anyway). Douche and I only started hanging out mid high-school and is one of the few friends from that circle to still hang out with me. I came out to them after much suffering and agonizing (and at the advice of one of the cutest straight people I knew).

So without further ado, I present the true account of my coming out story.

Like I said, it was all because of this one guy. At the time I was still pretty anti-social and when my friend invited me to the local pool I decided why not?

So when his mom picked us up, I was (re-)introduced to someone (L) who used to live in my hometown, but moved away, I hadn't seen him since preschool though. And while he was easily the shortest in the crowd 5'6, he had a certain eccentric flakiness to him which was refreshing (up until this point I was the flake with bad musical taste). We got to the pool, carried on in typical fashion for most guys (which was unusual). Jokes were flying and I regarded this old friend L...

Visual: Dark brown eyes, nice build (black belt and swimmer), cute smile, ear piercings and dirty blonde hair.

I did my best to come out of my shell around him hoping that our friendship would be rekindled and I'd see more of him. We hung out all day (the 5 of us) and afterwards had pizza and played some smash brothers/goldeneye, and the more I talked to L the more I wanted him. Creepy? Perhaps, but you would've done it too.

When it came time to leave, I inquired about his email address so we could chat on msn and 'stay in touch'. Once he had left, (I stayed over at Wanker's house with Douche) I felt the tell tale signs of loss. I knew it wouldn't work (even if he was gay) I fell out of step with the others while doing my best to be in the moment. During a break in the action I went online (added L) and started talking to my dear friend Meg. She and I had a lot of fun together and I think my friends were trying to start something between us (had I been any less depressed/sure I was gay I probably would have).

And in a moment of despondancy I came out to her. Not my best friend, and not a terribly close friend even, but someone whose company I enjoyed, and I impressed upon her that I wasn't out yet (it was a small town, lot's of farmers). She said cool and I dont think we talked about it again until much much later.

ANYWAY, on a roll from that, I wrote L an email. I didn't save this email, but I remember a lot of it...

I told him that I had a great time today, that over the summer we should make an effort to hang out more. Then I put it all out there. I told him just how depressed I was and that today was one of the first times in a while that I didn't feel it. I told him that I think he had something to do with that. Then I told him that I think it was because I liked him. (I rounded it out with a lot of apologies about being messed up and understanding that he prolly isn't gay and regardless it would probably destroy me if my secret got out to my friends so I asked him not to say anything)

Kindly, he addressed the depression, he said he understands such things and related some of his own problems to me. He said he wasn't gay, but it didn't matter to him how I felt because blah blah blah and he basically made my life. He singlehandedly gave me the inner strength to not hate myself for being gay (which was a big deal because up until that point I had had some encounters and that it had left me feeling dirty.

We did hang out again a few weeks later and the whole time he kept dropping into conversation hypothetical situations about gay people (in a non-threatening way) like if your friend happened to be gay...

I could've kissed him, but remembered that no, he's straight :P

My friends were pretty good in their answers but rather than coming out to the other three of them, I would wait until I wasn't in the hot tub w/ them... So about a week later L called me and we talked about their answers and wondered if I was going to be able to tell them. And the next day I wrote two of them an email telling them that i was depressed (without explaining just how dire it was) and that the reason was because i'm a big 'mo.

And they didn't skip a beat. They had some odd questions to ask me and said it didn't matter to them, that we were friends... I miss wanker and douche.

To me, it's funny that this person whom I barely knew was able to (essentially) save my life.