The Wonder Gay Years

I'm a nerd. I have been for as long as I could remember. It transcends things like playing a game of Catan with my old roomates while discussing continuity errors in Star Trek, but not so nerdy that I'd be playing D&D while speaking in Klingon. No my nerdisms stop somewhere in the realm of the impractical math area.

B knows what I'm talking about, we have spent many days discussing things similar to Barney's (from HIMYM) crazy/hot graph but in much greater depth (We hypothesized that there were more dimensions, with a possible non-real component). Another things we've discussed is convolutions of gay/straight people (gay people existing in their own space while straight people exist in theirs and while the two can't be directly compared, a case can be made that with the right algorithym, a transform can be made which would make them analogous)...

Anyway we think we're adorable.

Recently I've been asked to explain "Gay Years" to people. I use it in passing sometimes, often when explaining just how old I am.

"I'm 23...Which, in gay years, means I'm practically dead"

To say it's like dog years is demeaning and misleading for you see, gay years is a highly complex field of study. Original queer theory is actually only around because the issue of "Gay Years" was studied in the fifties as a method of prematurely aging radioactive waste. So if not a simple 1:xx ratio of hetero to gay years then how does it work?

When I was a young 'mo, a much older coworker said that the simple rule for being gay is, "Over 21 and you bust." So like blackjack, you gamble with gay years. What does this mean though?

Well, once you're 21, you're old news and therefore you're name gets blacklisted. People don't find you attractive anymore and there will be hair where there wasn't any before. What was once cute naivite is now sensastional bravado and stinging wit. Worse is you are now considered 'an older man' like the lecherous one's that you're warned about by your parents.


Surely you don't just flip a switch and become some awful old man though. There must be a process and not some great discontinuity.

Well it's not promising, but it has been shown that gay years grow exponentially between the ages of 21 and 35 ssy (Standard Straight Years). At 35 ssy, a gay man is 65.

While this revision is helpful, it is still not completely accurate. Many theories exist as to the true nature of gay years:

1) Gay years are actually a differential equation whose order dependends upon the age at which the first SSA (Same-Sex Activity) occurs.

2) Gay years are actually a set of complex numbers, and the non-real component is periodic, creating bursts of aging then anti-aging. This theory is thought by some to be perpetuated by drug companies and the validity of the evidence is questionable.

3) 42

Since this all of these theories are highly complex and require tremendous computational power it will have to be unravelled after pi has been calculated as a rational number.

Science aside, the real implications of the generalisation are that once a gay person reaches 35 ssy, he only exists under rare circumstances, like in the case of extreme celebrity.

But then what happens to these unpeople? Are they all ghosts wandering around clubs looking to suck the youth from the room? No, they simply "retire." This means that they move to a quiet gay mecca like Palm Springs. As they age further it is speculated that their age in gay years once again reflects their age in straight years, however this phenomenon has yet to be properly observed because nobody cares.

I hope that this acts as a warning for all the young people out there. One day you too will be old and it'll happen much sooner than the heterosexual society will ever explain. Now I must go, its nearly four and this senior citizen must get in line for his dinner.